Mother in Love, Daughter in Love

Written by on October 15, 2010 in Parenting with 10 Comments

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Mother in law vs Daughter in law is a universal problem all around the world. Why all the mayhem? Why all the silly milly dilly?

It is amazing , the one person who  both the mother in law and daughter in law claim to love feels like a monkey in the middle.(ie husband or son).  Is this how you treat a person you claim to love.  At the end everyone is miserable. You can blame each other for the problems but if you are not accountable and responsible for you part in this, you, will be stuck in this vicious cycle till the grave. At the end you can only change  yourself, your attitude. You have a choice to be happy or sad. It is time to remedy this situation. Enough is enough of all this childishness, pettiness. Why not use the energy constructively to solve bigger problems in the world.Wake up and shake up. Life is to short. Time is to precious to waste.

Role of the Father in law and Son/husband in all this drama

Clearly the quality of living for these guys must be a living hell. Why are they tolerating all this bickering, childish and pettiness.  The man of the house need to join forces and take control of their household and lay down the law. Zero tolerance for this type of crap. Get the issues out int he open and solve them. Have basic house rules on how members of the family are expected to behave.  Man have to really put their foot down and say enough is enough. We will not live like this anymore. Man have to really become the leaders and ameers of their homes.

Also for the sanity of all involved if you can afford to live on your own and your parents are self sufficient and healthy please do not torture everyone by letting them live under one roof. It is just asking for trouble unnecessarily to save a few cents.

 

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENTHckbiu6w&feature=related

This video says it all.

Root cause:

Reflect deep and hard: what is the root cause of your problem. Think about solutions. Solve it.

Other than Satan/Shaytaan always wanting to cause problems, here are soom root causes suggested by my chomies on facebook.

  • Jealousy
  • Caste system – not from same tribe, village, language, gaam, dunya
  • One is the master, the other is the slave
  • Assumptions and misunderstandings
  • Loneliness
  • insecurity
  • Rejecting each other
  • Arrogance and pride

 

Diagnosis

Change the mindset and remove the stigmas. . in laws, out laws.. who coined this word. Why are your spouse’s parents called in laws in the first place? You both marrying each other for love not for law. You go in there already feeling bang and negative about your in laws.

Let’s change the name from today to Mother in love and Daughter in Love or something more positive. Any suggestions.

Recommended cure

1. Know that Allah/God is watching you. He watches what you think. He watches what you say. He watches what you do. You will be accountable for all this on the day of Judgement. Thinking bad about each other is also a form of backbiting.

2. Pray for each other. Ask Allah/God to bless each other

3.  Greet each other warmly, with a warm tight bear hug and kiss.

4.  Respect each. I won’t say respect each other like your own parents and daughters, (i know how bachoo and I argue) i say step up the respect a notch. Your own mother will sometimes scold your even worse than your MIL will ever but your mum you will tolerate and your MIL you will hold a grudge till Qiyamah(judgement day).

5. Listen to each other without taking things to personally.

6. Try to understand each other. Have empathy, walk in each other’s shoes for one day.

7. Do not react when angry. Be calm, when things are settled and you thought about the situation. Rationally discuss and reslove the problem.

6.  Accept each other warts and all.

8. Spoil and pamper each other. buy presents for each other.

9. Build a friendship with each other.

10. Call and visit

11. Make an intention to be positive about the relationship.

12. Stop being jealous of each other. it is not a competition.

13. Smile at each other

14. Don’t focus on the differences. Find common ground

14. Be open minded, not childish and petty.

15.  Forgive each other, stop holding grudges

16. Give each other space to breathe.

17. Do not shut each other out, especially when it comes to kids and grand kids

18. Share the chores. Sometimes it is best you have one captain in the kitchen. Sometimes to many cooks do spoil the broth.

19. Do not interfere in with mother son relationship and do not interfere with husband and wife relationship. each relationship is unique. Let husband spend one on one quality time with his mother.

20. Sometimes the hormones can blow things out of proportion. Daughter in law might be pregnant, mother in law menopausal. If you feeling anxious, annoyed, depressed, don’t find someone to pick on or blame for feeling down. Maybe it is a medical issue.

21. Have an attitude of gratitude. Thank each other. Be grateful you have each other.

22. Love each other for Allah’s/God sake.

Any other tips.. leave a comment

 

Rules of Engagement between Mother in Law and Daughter in Law

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

For Mothers-in-law

1. Respect your daughter-in-law’s parenting style — even if you don’t agree with it. Much has changed since you were raising kids. More to the point, you’re the grandparent now and you’re not in charge. Earn your daughter-in-law’s trust by playing by her rules when you’re with the kids.
2. Respect her relationship with her mom — and don’t try to compete. You’ll lose.

3. Respect her relationship with your son — and don’t badmouth her to him. You’ll lose that battle, too.

4. Remember, good parenting is learned on the job — and she’s doing the best she can. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and never forget how sensitive you were as a young parent trying to do your best.

For Daughters-in-law

1. Respect your son’s relationship with his mother — whatever your opinion of her. You may get him on your side of your conflict with her, but your entire family, especially your children, will suffer as a result.

2. Remember that all grandparents — unless they are abusive or their behavior is in some way harmful to the kids — deserve to know their grandchildren, and vice-versa. If possible, let all the grandparents spend time alone with the kids. That is the only way they can establish lasting bonds.

3. Cut the grandparents some slack — within reason. They may buy the kids two scoops of ice cream instead of one, or ridiculous, overpriced toys — and then let them stay up an hour past bedtime. They don’t mean to dis you; this is just their way of showing their extravagant love for your children.

4. If you happen to be the mother of sons, beware. Someday, if you’re lucky, you’ll be a mother-in-law with grandchildren, too. Behave accordingly.

For Both Mothers-in-law and Daughters-in-law

1. Boundaries is not a dirty word. In fact, it’s one of the best words in the English language — and in practice, healthy boundaries are what keep us sane and foster friendly relations. Set boundaries for yourself, and respect your in-law’s boundaries. When you do stray into each other’s crosshairs, try to see the situation from her point of view.

2. Let go of your expectations about how things should be and work with the way things are. This means accepting the complete cast of characters who make up your whole crazy extended family, as well as other nonnegotiable circumstances.

3. Always think of the kids. Model the values you want the children to learn. Do you want to train them in sniping and disrespect, or trust and compassion?

4. Remember, the heart is a generous muscle, and there’s enough love to go around. The Beatles said it best: And, in the end, the love you take/is equal to the love you make.

Barbara Graham is the editor of the anthology, Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother

 

Other interesting articles about In law issues

In-Law Issue

 Peace in Our Times: Mother & Daughter-in-Law Syndrome by Saleeha Bhamjee

Disastrous Daughter-In-Law: Resolving the Conflict Between Wives and Their In-Laws by Saleeha Bhamjee

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  1. shehnaaz says:

    I am the lukiest person in this world Allah has granted me with 2 moms .I love them both actually I was closer to my2nd mom than my 1st funny isn’t it cos most girls cannot stand their so called mom in law but my relationship was special mom made me feel as if I was the best always advising me,always spoiling me.mom had this infectious laugh .but sadly I lost my mom suddenly it felt as if everything became numb oh if only u can feel my pain .I stayed with her during her illness ,helped her to the best of my ability n I got so much from that all her love all her duas mom all I have for u now is duas that I send silently to you just as my tears flow silently .I will always love and cherish our 27 years together. Your daughter ….

    • Nanima says:

      what advise can u give others?

    • NAZ says:

      THIS IS VERY INTERESTING ! HOWEVER, WHAT IS STRANGE IS THAT SOMETIME AGO EVERY MOTHER-IN-LAW WAS A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW OR IS STILL A DAUGHTER – IN-LAW SO SHE SHOULD KNOW HOW HER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW WOULD FEEL IF TREATED BADLY, DESPITE THIS SHE WILL STILL BE NASTY,IMAGINE HAVING THE FOOD YOU JUST COOKED SABOTAGED WITH EXTRA SALT OR STORMING INTO YOUR BEDROOM WHEN LEAST EXPECTED AND TALKING TO HER SON AS THOUGH NOTHING IS WRONG . IF EVERY MOTHER-IN-LAW WOULD TREAT THEIR DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS AS THEIR OWN DAUGHTER NOT HER SLAVE IT WOULD BE A MIRACLE . I AM SURE 1 IN EVERY 100 WOULD REALLY PRAISE THEIR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW. WHAT IS REALLY ANNOYING IS WHEN YOU GET MARRIED YOU ARE THEN GROOMED AS TO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE FOR THEIR SONS YET THEY NEVER DID THIS, AND WHEN THE BABY IS BORN HE OR SHE WILL LOOK LIKE EVERYONE ONE ELSE BUT THE MOTHER OF THE CHILD . STRANGE WORLD WE LIVE IN YET MY MOTHER WILL SAY TO ME IT IS YOUR DUTY TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

  2. chaweewalah says:

    Salaams Nanima
    Explain the term “in law “.Is this Islamic or have we brought another western tradition into our homes?
    Dont we love our western values over our Islamic rights of the elders.
    We have been told to respect our elders and mother is your elder.
    I am fortunate to have two loving mothers. The doors of jannat has been open to me a long time ago.

    RESPECT SABR AND LOVE

  3. DIL says:

    this article is so true, it took the death of my husband to make me and my MIL get along. it shouldnt be this way…dont make the same mistakes we did!!

  4. Monkey in the Middle says:

    Nanima,
    I love this article and it appeals to me because I am on the verge of getting married and my fiance and mother already dont get along and here I am caught in the middle…

    I am actually at a point where I am about to call off the wedding because of this – how can I get them both to get along without me feeling like I am choosing sides?
    Pride is such a killer these days, I am really anxious to make this work but I dont see myself being (as you say) the monkey in the middle…
    Please help?

  5. NK13 says:

    slmz – I so wish that all mils & dils could have a closer relationship. I myself am now been told by my own mother that i am not welcome at her home any more because of issues between my wife & my mother. My wife on the other hand is also stubborn & refuses to change.

    I have not been well this year. & this gives me so much pain & brings me to Tears that i cannot go to a place that is actually my home where i spent time with my parents & siblings :( – I somehow feel that had i not gotten married i would never have seen this. but then again I have a wonderful wife & mother to my 2 children.

    Allah writes out our destiny & what happens in it. I make duaa everyday that inshallah my mother will finally come to terms & accept my wife & mother to her grandchildren – & that my wife will stop being stubborn & actually acknowledge that my mother is still apart of my life..

  6. coco says:

    Your mil will always be a part of your husband’s life,grit your teeth and go with the flow.And never complain about her to him.She is his mother,and you should always respect that.No matter how ill-treated you feel.
    Really being stubborn and causing ill feeling just aggravates it all.We all have one mom and dad.Don’t regret your behaviour after their death.
    And lastly are we all not going to be in-laws?

  7. sajeda says:

    Want 2 say I had an amazing mum in law. Lived with her 4 six yrs till the day she passed on. I don’t regret looking after her. I took her as my own mum and she treated me like a daughter. We were like friends as well. Allah(swt) grant my parents and parents in law jannatal firdous aameen

  8. Doc says:

    Good job on the articale Nanima. I would like to add that we should try and take things with a pinch of salt, have more patience and overlook each others faults. I think because we all have the notion that the one is out to get the other we become suspicious of each others intentions and actions, but when you feel that way, ask Allah to protect you from evil thoughts and put it aside. Someone mentioned something about babies looking like their in laws. My baby looks like my husband and my MIL always tries to make me feel better by saying his eyes look like mine, but really why does it matter anyway? Allah created the child,let’s not allow silly things to make us unhappy (to myself first and foremost)

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